Feeling safe

My recent visit to Delhi some 7-8 months back had me being very cautious (though I guess those who know wht all happened will disagree) but I was!!! Atleast there was this constant sense tht this city is notorious for its treatment of women and so beware. Strangely I didn’t find any man staring (and by tht I guess women and even men wud know hw and where) or ogling and I am not talking abt just me but even at the other women. No comments either from any passerby or any other form of eve teasing, still I had this sense of apprehension.

On other hand is the comfort u feel when u r in some tribal region, esp in the hills. I ve never for a second thought twice about going for long walk, even in the wee hours in Darjeeling, Guwahati, Nainital and Ranikhet . Last year’s incident therefore came as a big surprise. It was in Lolegaon, in the Darjeeling district. We 3 frnds had planned our break from the city, not paying heed to many a well- meant- advises that lasted till the time we left home for the station. The journey and the time spent there is another story but I ll get back to why I was talking abt this….i was out for a walk and the weather cold (it was January!! Wht else cud we expect?) and a very dense cover of fog with reduced visibility to about 10 feet…(I was poor in maths so if I got it wrong pardon me!! But all I can say is tht I could hardly make out the trees at the sides of the road) . but I was having a wonderful time, njying the cold crisp afty, lost in some thought and at some turn there are 4-6 men taking a break from repairing the road and fagging. And thanx to having no experince of the sort in this part of the country walked on oblivious. Until I heard one of them make that weird kissing sound tht some men make tht makes ones skin crawl and want to get hold of them and give them a good bashing. That incident shook my false sense of comfort and since then I ve become a little careful L

Call me a fatalist but I believe that if things r meant to happen they can happen at the safest of place otherwise not even in the most dangerous ones…and before u argue, I also agree that it doesn’t mean that we go looking for trouble….

The point I am trying to make is tht so often we label things to be something and live our lives believing them to be true until something drastic happens to change tht…..the small- but meaning actions by the delhities r forgotten in the wake of the acts by some crazy members and hope to see that day when the city is really safe and I don’t hav to hear another scary story from the ex-army officer at NIPCCD….

Happiness

After days of moaning, grumbling abt life and the people in it I woke up feeling wonderful, Happy actually....wht had got me there?? still trying to figure it out but i guess it was hope....hope of having a better day and a better tommorw. This got me excited and i was planning stuff tht id like to do ( for those who hav known gemini's and esp a particular gemini frnd of mine will surely relate to the fact tht we love the flight of fantasy and invariably nothing much will come out of it but it fills u up with a grtt sense of joy and sees you through some real difficult times....

I was told that according to the hindu scriptures (pardon me coz i dont remember the exact words) - the person who goes to sleep dreaming of things and wakes up filled with the deisre to accomplish them is truly a happy person... found it profound and found instances of it in my life too....

2 different treatment for 2 invaders

Our biasness against Islam is too deeprooted....almost everychild brought up in a hindu household in ways(sometimes subtle sometimes blatant) hears why (s)he should be wary of them...an intersting example was in my own family...My mom was excited and happy to buy another hindu idol to add to the already long list and kool with us getting us a symbol of christianism at the idea pf the suggestion of getting a poor replica of a Mazaar she refused point blank....Christianity is still seen as a progressive religion and Islam as a not so progressive one and our own somewhere in the middle?? but then the concept of progress changes from time to time....
am still thinking how come we accepted certain aspects of Islamic culture as progressive and wonderful but not like as a whole and with the other invaders (the christians) we fall backwards and consider it all good....

Pets- my problem with the idea

A friend of mine had a bought rabbits, she always wanted a dog, but then had to settle for a rabbit and no amount of dissaproval, me trying to drill sense helped. Then my bro went ahead and bought an aquarium, everytime i took a look at it I felt sense of feeling trapped, guilt and desire to let them free. All i saw when i looked at them was they were in a cage, no matter how big or how beautiful and how many others they had for company. I remember reading in some literature book in school tht freedom was prized the most....Would you accept a so called beautiful life without having freedom? i guess many of us do in some ways and the question of wht really is freedom would also come up....
and the captor always had some fancy logical explanation for keeping one under captivity, my frnd's was tht they were better off and happier at with her at her place than with the shopkeeper who wouldnt feed tham properly....but in this dont we forget tht demand fuels supply? the more u buy the more they trap and the more they have for u to buy....how do we break the chain?

9 years on.........

Finally....differnt team almost 10 years down the line but the same venue and the same GOD playing....a differnt result....i dont even have to make an effort to remember that fatal day in 1999 sitting in a hotel room with my bro and a family frnd and biting my nail away, the plans for hitting the beach put on hold untill the winning run was hit. It never came!!!the GOD was in pain and made human, with belt slung around the waist, not playing any pull shot, he succumbed (trying to sweep, if i am not wrong) and u could hear the silence in the stadium and our hotel too....and then i heard my dear bro saying dont worry the rest of them can make atleast this much. It never happened and famous "tu ja mein aaya" used for the indian middle order happened again but this time with the tail. Looking at Wasim Akram (some1 i liked) dancing with joy made me furious and we switched off the television and decided to hit the beach, wanting to forget it all......but no it wasnt meant to be, no1 could talk abt anything else and wht made my blood boil was tht they all blamed the Great himself, forgetting everything else- tht he was in pain and we had got this far coz of him. We hit the beach and pushed it all to the back of our minds...but thnk of the team and esp the man himself......redemption happened today and what a way.....I HOPE THE GOD CAN BE GIVEN MORE BREATHING SPACE nw....

Bidding Adieu to Anil Kumble

Walked in and checked the news (and before u start thinking anything else, it was to check what happened in the match) and there it was “Jumbo to retire”. It took me a while to digest, though considering how things were after the Bangalore test it could have been expected…but I feel a sense of loss, I could see those special moments when he bowls his last bowl, smiles walking back to the pavilion, gives his last interview as a player and captain and so many things.
I am reminded of those days when he took 6/12 at the Eden, or the time in Bangalore when the match depended on him and Javagal Srinath and the camera kept shifting to her and the emotions mirrored of the millions watching all over the country, the test match in England when he scored his first century, the Antigua test when he came onto the field with his jaws strapped, those times when people talked about him being non effective abroad and then the Australia series happened and fcrzz the joy we all felt in the winter of 99 at this very ground that he decided to call it a day….
Of those days when critics passed him off as not very unpredictable, not having too much variety, tht he needed a spinner friendly wicket. He responded with the googly, with performing in places which were fast bowler friendly and taking more that 600 wickets and still there would be people who wud question him, but then that’s their job, he went on doing his and now tht he’s decided to call it a day we all wish if we could have seen him play atleast one more match, one last glimpse of the magic that walked this land by the nam of JUMBO…
this entry isn’t meant to list down his achievements, am sure there ll be others doing a grt job at tht, I just wanted to pay my homage to the man who’s brought so much joy into my life and tht of so many others and wanna wish him the very best in the life post cricket (hopefully he ll continue to play an active role in some other way)….A BIG THANK YOU…

The advertisement on “tumhe Singapore dikhane ke liye”

Call me a gonner but I cant help but be affected by the biasness of the advertisement. I mean he s retired and nw has it easy and she has to let go of the cook, the maid (nd wht reason! tumhari exercise ho jayegi…wht abt ur exercise??). I am reminded of this moving play “Ma bhi kabhi retire hoti hai” where the mother’s role was played by the evergreen Jaya Bhaduri/ Bacchan, which taked abt the plight of women, hw their work given the least recognition is unending, no off days, no fixed hours and certainly no retirement…

And even if we forget this aspect of the advertisement then what abt “tumhe Singapore jo ghumana hai!!” as if he’s not gonna go with her and get to c the place and njy it…grrr
The part on “sirf ek baar maine kuch maanga hai, who bhi tumhare baap se tumhara haath” reminds u the grt Indian tradition of a woman’s life being decided by her father/ brother (nd mind u not just any member of the family, esp not the women)
And finally on a lighter note the way the woman reacts and lightly punches him in the upper arm was choow chweet, it’s a very typical way for women of that generation and certainly brings back wonderful childhood memories…lets say for me this nd the jingle makes it worth tolerating the advertisement…differ/ outraged/itching to say something about it, feel free to write in and I d love nothing more to hear the other side of the view, ofcrz a little less than some1 telling me tht they agree…

The perpectual question of who’s to blame

I ve had so many ppl ask me, and its not just men, why is it tht I put myself in tht position? Why did I go out late at night? Why did I go out to a more deserted section? And esp why alone? And why didn’t I take any action to avoid it? Hw am I suppose to react to it? Hw do u? am I suppose to be bowled over by the concern that is surely reflected? Yes I am, but the rebel in me keeps asking why cant I?? Why cant I go out for a long walk when the road is not infested with people running to and fro from work? Or cars that let u knw about their arrival from over a km? Why cant I njy the silence when all I can hear is me breathing hard after a run? Or the sound of the wind or the rain drops against the leaves? Nw ur gonna say we don’t live in a perfect society and we either learn to live with compromises or pay…that if u wana take the risks u shud stop complaining about the not-so-gud repercussions, well!! I hav, atleast most of the time and I knw this for sure if god forbid something happens some day the entire blame wud be paid squarely put on me for being ‘too adventurous…too daring’…
My point is I knw ppl who ve lived by the rules of the society nd still had to face it…moreover, if we don’t change nothing will….nw not every person stares when I go jogging late evening…they r getting used to and hopefully things will change for better in the future…nd I cant stop living just coz some guy thinks that its his right to do something (varying from verbal or even physical) coz she s there alone, out after dark..its like saying I ll wont go to work coz there might be a blast somewhere…I apologise to all y frnds who hav for so long tried to “ bring some sense into her” and hav failed, I appreciate ur concern, more than I ll ever be able to say but I am sorry I refuse to be another victim and stand back…atleast not on this and certainly not nw..

The whole marriage issue

Its our culture they'd say...but it gets exasperating if every one u meet feels the need to ask u "when r u getting married??" and some younger ones hav even gone ahead and said in what came out to be a very suspicious tone- "why aren’t u married yet???". I had this theory that people who have not found bliss in marriage (and I have not found 1 who has, so this means every1 who is married) keep wanting to push u towards it...why?? Here r some possible reasons running at the top of my head- 1. Coz it would make them feel better that there r others like them? 2. Coz they would not be envying u and there by easier to open up to?? 3. Or coz their silly romantic heart says "maybe its gonna be different for her??" Elders r the most difficult to evade on this, will draw u into a discussion on hw difficult it wud be to live alone and etc etc..and after moments of trying to remain out of it and feign interest and even agreement I give in.....and there goes another argument which ends with the person saying "Dont know what’s gonna happen to this gal!!"

Learning

It strange hw we can live in contradictions. one minute i am floored by the beauty of this consumerist world and wanna buy this and tht and then u c some1 a kid maybe looking longingly at the ice cream u r having or wishing she had a life like yours, or an elderly whose eyes tell u abt the world she's cn, a woman carrying half her weight on her head thinking of hw she's gonna feed her family. u stop and look and sometimes even think abt it for a while, sometimes even the day after and then the person fades away and u r back to ur world where ur thoughts r predominated with buying (and a news paper article told me we women think as much abt shopping as men abt sex...so hopefully u guys can understand our complusion a bt better).

Its all hapening around u and dont knw wht to do. As a kid u read abt fairies and hw with a flick from the magic wand wud make all wrong right, u and i dont hav tht wand, no one does. its hard to accept tht u cant change things, thought i was getting there i.e learning to accept my limitations but then u c face in the crowd tht touches ur heart nd whoooshhh goes all ur progress......

Travel Apprehensions

leaving tommorow and despite so many hurdles and a feeling in the gut saying something will happen, somethng tht will make us not go there....but i ll leave in a short while to get the train tickets so i am assuming tht means we r going....yippie...as for the place its in midnapore- Jhargram....the problem??? its has seen its share of Naxal movement and every1 who hears where we r going cant help but ask.."wht!! why there? there r so many other places?"

I wont deny that they hav managed to put a slight fear in me, yes I am slightly worried ( i can see the reaction it ll bring on the faces of the people who hav thought of me as a adventurous kinda person, not really scared)...but i ve left things to fate, i knw i knw its skepticism

Anticipation

anticipation of the joy is so much fun, it lights up the face and the eyes. with the Puja holidays around the corner and ysterday being the last working day, every one was well dressed up and happy (except some of us who were gumpy that the holidays meant meeting deadlines which we knew we d find it difficult to meet). Looking at these happy faces i was envious and kinda felt left out of the puja spirit. on my way back home on half empty roads lit up made me feel notalgic and a bit sad. dont know why but thts wht pujas always invoke in me, even if its for a short while. is it coz i no longer feel excited as i used? tht i cant wait to get out of the city? or is the huge loudspeaker they put up in front of my window that blares at uncanny times, making anything else but irritation impossible.
flooded with memories and surrounded by happy, excited faces, children playing with guns (with Cap in it) i feel as if too much has passed and i ve grown up too fast....

On a train to Modi's State

A big saffron 'tika/Tilak" on the forehead and maybe the saffron coloured cloth slung over the shoulders- looking at that makes me recoil, recoil in displeasure, dislike and more importantly "FEAR". These images have stayed from the Gujarat riots, and the old images from Babri Masjid demolition. Now whenever i see a saffron flag posted somewhere in some troubled area, a feeling of premonition and an adrenalin rush.
Today with the terrorists running amok, creating pandemonium and fear, I fear of the future these saffron clad men will take us to. With states like Orrisa and Karnataka already burning and many states recovering and learning to live with the ashes, I wait with a heavy heart to see what is next. The voice of “moderates” are so often unheard so here I am trying to add to these voices knowing its only a drop in the ocean, but then again drops makes up an ocean.

I ‘ve met people who were so anti Muslim that I managed to dismiss them as ill guided humans and guilty of the process of socialization, that they havn’t sent the world. One such person, infact there were other too but one person struck me the most, I met him on a train journey to Gujarat. It was a long journey and traveling alone I was doing wht I presumed was the safest bet for a girl traveling alone, i.e. be uncommunicative, and if needed talk only to the women….lol…
Anyway by the end of the 16th hours of the journey 8 of which I had slept I was bored and was finding it more and more difficult to ignore the conversations buzzing around me. They we all residents of UP and conversations changed from Mayawati, business, Raj Thackrey and god-know-wht-all and then finally they landed on Islam and Muslims. Wht generalization was on and nothing in the positive mind u….i knew it wasn’t a good idea me getting into an argument as I had another 20 hours of train journey to spend with them, but then hw long can u hold on? Wht happened after tht was 2 hours of wht my cousin so often calls “ SOLID” argument. He said I was out of tune with reality while I said the same about him. He said he himself has had instances of some people talking about wanting to set up a Pakistan in India and other things about them always being loyal to Pakistan. Even though I don’t deny that there can be certain section, I believe, very strongly that this section is a miniscule part, something they aren’t willing to give. They infact believe that the people I know form a small majority and even admitted that they had met such person themselves too. Despite all this they stood by there stand and at the end all we agreed to was - ‘agree to disagree’. Why was he different from the others? He was a Doctor, an educated man, with quite liberal views on other issues. And now tht I think about him I recall other “educated” persons nd one tht stickes to my mind is some1 who has studies from two of the best Institutes of our country, but tht’s another story………

FEAR....

A big saffron 'tika/Tilak" on the forehead and maybe the saffron coloured cloth slung over the shoulders- looking at that makes me recoil, recoil in displeasure, dislike and more importantly "FEAR". These images have stayed from the Gujarat riots, and the old images from Babri Masjid demolition. Now whenever i see a saffron flag posted somewhere in some troubled area, a feeling of premonition and an adrenalin rush. Today with the terrorists running amok, creating pandemonium and fear, I fear of the future these saffron clad men will take us to. With states like Orrisa and Karnataka already burning and many states recovering and learning to live with the ashes, I wait with a heavy heart to see what is next. The voice of “moderates” are so often unheard so here I am trying to add to these voices knowing its only a drop in the ocean, but then again drops makes up an ocean.

love

love!! wht is it?? i dont knw hw many times i ve been asked if i beleive in love and i knw my answer has on most occassions has been "not really" or "no". but i havng cn a frnd of mine with her undying, unquestioned love for on person i thought maybe such a thing exisits.....but then again i wonder...........
is it coz ppl r scared of lonliness? is it really there coz one wants it to be tht way so therefore if they can fal out of love if they think otherwise??
i am tired and i guess not making much sense so ta ta...

touch

".....we miss tht touch so much tht we crash into each other just so tht we can feel something..."- Crash.
is tht hw it is?? does tht in some way explain hw and why so often i feel tht in circumstances where touch could hav been avoided it wasnt?? Some cynical part answers "no! they were jerks drawing some form of sexual pleasure". but then what abt women? were they too?? doesnt strike the right chord with me....we live such lonely lives, deprived so often love, care that maybe some thought they d find it from a stranger. But wht happens?? its a snub, sometimes subtle sometimes not so, by the likes of the cynic tht resides also in me

the pujas is almost here

The feel in the air is diffrnt, the people too seem differnt, the streets, the parks, the roadside shops, the malls all r affected by the festive mood that grips the city every year. If u havnt lived in bengal dont think u can understand hw we feel at the first sight of the 'kash phool' swinging to an unknown tune. The feeling of elation, hope, anticipation and pure joy.
The streets are crowded with people leaving office early to finish last minute shopping, hmm...admist all this chaos though all u can think is tht there is some magic in the air....with ppl looking forward to a holiday, puja hopping, meeting frends and relatives, eating out, waking up to the sound of the 'Dhaak' and watching the glow on the Mother's face while the purohits chant away and the smoke fills up the air and gives it a mystical look.
for those who know me, know tht i crave to get out of the city during this time and this yr is no differnt, but still somewhere in a small part of me the childhood memories live on and wishing to relive the magic tht i once soo felt.
i wish all those ppl who still do feel the magic a very happy pujas.....

the Balal sen temple in Mayapur, West Bengal

travel

This is my first attempt at writing in a blog and a feeling of slight apprehension filters in. "am i doing it the right way? is this how its done"?? and then a voice in my head says- "wht the hell, its ur space u make the rules you decide how its to be done". So here it goes. my first blog article is on travel, a passion that has grown as the years hav passed by along with greater appreciation for the journey and not just the destination.
last week went with my family to a place by the name Mayapur a 4 hour drvie from the city of kolkata. history tells u the city was once the capital of Bengal. made famous thanx to the hundreds of temples that throng the city, there is one in particular which draws ppl, its a temple that belongs to ISKCON. even though am not a religious person the spiritual side in me wanted to see the evening aarti with the chanting that give one a feeling of being transported to another world, where the face of people r lit up by the revernce, faith in GOD. but i was unfortunate enough to miss it. what i got to see (besides the temples my family insisited on seeing) was ruins, excavated in the 1980-90 by the ASI of what they beleive to have been a temple of the great king of the Sen dynasty- Balal Sen. the sky was grey the leaves dark green and a slight drizzle in the air that sometimes made my lens a bit wet. a gaurd was present to keep the people off and he shared a bit of light on the little he knew about the place. he said that the fort that the king had buiil had been washed by the river nd the king abandoned it when they were been attacked by afghan invaders.
just behind the ruins was a small lake with dark waters and I saw something move in it, maybe a snake, maybe a fish or maybe my imagination. soon it was time to leave and now all i hav is a few pictures and the little that my brain has managed to save.
the next day we took the local ferry to cross the river to the other side of the town- Nawadip. a faint memory of some1 once telling me that there are River dolphins in these water, flooted in and my squinting eyes (thanx to the sun!!) remained glued to the waters....and guess what i was blessed with a glimpse of what i can only guess might hav been the body of a dolphin and it was gone, too soon!! no1 else saw it. And the local rickshaw person made me doubt what i saw as he said there are no dolphins but only "Shishu". enquiry on returning back confirmed that i was right and thank my stars that i got a glimpse, but the heart desires more and i wait with baited breath till i get a chance to see more in the future.